Being Home

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh

Another snow day. I think this makes 15, or 150. I can't tell a difference anymore. I love how the county posts justifying pictures on their website of our road conditions. We're going to be in school until June, and by then I will be four months larger than I am now and ready to lie on a floaty in the pool.

My friends are going skiing, and skiing--especially the way I ski--is not good for the baby.
So, I did what is good for the baby. I ate.

Then, I went to the grocery store, graded papers for three hours, checked on a plane ticket to Oregon for this summer...
And its only 11:40 a.m.

My goal for the afternoon is to buy a great pair of maternity pants and two cute tops. And if I have to go alone, I can do that. It's just sad to be off work when your husband is at work and your friends are busy.

I'm hoping to be off work this fall, but I'm sort of terrible at being off if its more than a few days. As much as I hate being told what to do, I love it, in so much as I can buck it. Strange. I love the structure of my everyday life. But this fall, my life begins anew. At an as yet undetermined hour, I will be hired as mother, (as in marriage) as long as we both shall live. Requirements in the first few months appear to be (but this is new and I really don't know) feed, clothe, change, play with, comfort baby; put baby down for a nap every two-and-a-half hours, twenty-four hours a day.

I know a few other cool-ladies-with-child, and after we adjust to motherhood, maybe we can hang out. I mean, I really want to stay home with little Story so that I can get to know, care for, create a home for him/her. I guess I'm just realizing that, in the same way that my relationships changed with my friends after they had kids, my relationships with my non-kid friends will probably change. And of course my relationship with Brandon will change some. And we have a whole new person in our life that we are committed to for life. Maybe that's why people's best friends eventually become their kids, and vice-versa.

I just want to still be sociable in regular non-kid company. I just don't want to become the kind of person who talks about that time their kid's poop changed color.

A What?

a=Lots of people have babies.
b=Babies are cute.

I am a person, and I think babies are cute, therefore I should have a baby.

What I did not consider until about a week ago was that babies have to be born.
They are inside of the mother, and they have to come out, one of two ways.

Last week when my doctor asked if I had any questions, I asked if he knew of any Lamaze or Bradley classes around. Not because I'm necessarily opposed to drugs, but because I want to be well-prepared, because I don't want to have a longer-than-necessary labor, because I want to breastfeed the baby in the first hour after birth. He said I would have to find those on my own, but the hospital offers a childbirth education class.

Childbirth Education Class

Description:

CHILDBIRTH CLASSES IN 4 SESSIONS, BREASTFEEDING AND BABY CARE CLASSES ARE INCLUDED IN ONE OF THE SESSIONS.

Apparently, they don't go too in-depth at the hospital about the birthing process.

My doctor expressed fears of women who try to have babies naturally. He said they put so much pressure on themselves that in a moment which should be cause for celebration, they are down on themselves for not delivering without drugs.

It seems like doctors are used to giving epidurals.
And I'm not against it. Less pain sounds good.
But prolonging the labor doesn't. And neither do the complications that come from not being in control of the labor--i.e. tearing.

So, I did a little online childbirth class research. The only Bradley class is in Morristown--2 hours round trip for 12 weeks. I found 2 phone numbers for women who are supposed to be Lamaze instructors, called them, and haven't heard back yet. What's a girl to do?

My friend Adriel, who has the same doctor and hospital as me, who delivered (drug-free) a gorgeous little girl last May, recommended a doula. Her husband even recommended the doula. So yesterday, I called the doula.

Here's what the doula does: meets at our home twice before the baby is born to coach us on pain management and breathing techniques. When I go into labor, she meets us at the hospital and continues to coach us. She also helps massage the back, and works as a liason between us and the hospital staff to help the labor go as naturally as possible. Then, the week after the baby is born, she checks in on us to see how breastfeeding is going. Okay. So, we're going to meet with her next month.

If Brandon and I can't take a Lamaze or Bradley class, then my plan B for the moment is to use the doula and take the childbirth classes the hospital offers, and to read everything I can.

A Christmas Miracle

I think deer are magical. Brandon saw a buck on our hill the same day he taught Walden, and the two shared a moment. This morning, we looked out the window, and there on the fresh snow was a lone doe. We watched her for some time as she grazed around the yard. Deer are signs of good things--of life, peace, and nature. This deer reminds me of another sign:

Before I found out there was a baby, my sister Jenny had a dream. And in that dream, I gave everyone in the family a tiny box with a picture of an ultrasound wrapped inside. "Aww, cute," I thought. But it was just a dream, and I was busy finishing up teaching the fall semester. And fighting off nausea.

With the semester behind us and a week before a house full of guests arrived, Brandon and I transitioned into host/hostess mode. Jenny and her beautiful son Carson, along with a whole party of fantastic people from Mom to Erin and Steph to Zach and Kyle were spending the holidays with us. So the week before they came, we were busy with preparations: cleaning, shopping, cooking, shopping.

I had attributed the nausea to some medicine I was taking. But it persisted, even after I stopped taking the meds. Hmmm...

The Saturday morning before our final Christmas shopping excursion, I found an old pregnancy test in my makeup bag. Why not? I took the test, only to confound myself as to what two pink lines may mean, since I had thrown away the instructions. I frantically googled "how to read a pregnancy test," and up popped pictures of girl wearing a t-shirt with two pink lines above the words "Surprise!"

So Jenny was right. Her dream told the future. Merry Christmas indeed :) A deer in the snow.

Brandon, being the ever-wise older man, encouraged me to hold off telling anyone until the risk of miscarriage was past. I called and scheduled a doctor's appointment, and we couldn't get in until the second week of January, nearly a month away. So, even though I was aching to share the good news, I waited. I didn't give out ultrasound pictures for Christmas, but the symbol of a gift remains. Once we had our first ultrasound, which gave us a little monkey with a heartbeat and an August 6 (5th Anniversary) due date, I told Mom and my sisters. Jenny said she had known all along.

Now we're exactly a month away from the next telling ultrasound, St. Patty's Day. If it's a boy, he's already set with a few Mom-sent boy newborn onesies. If it's a girl, I'm hanging a chandelier in her room, and maybe a picture of a young doe.

Nursery Art No. 1

This may be the first edition of nursery art. Started the tree this summer, then adapted it last month. It may still undergo some changes in color-scheme when we find out if the little tyke is a boy or girl.

Olympics, Parents, & Babies Who Grow Up

We were watching the Olympics last night, and I started wondering about the Olympians' parents. They couldn't have known that their kids were going to be world-class competitors in their sports. Man, the mogul is intense. If my one time skiing is any indicator, I would have wiped out at the first little hill, but those women just haul it through the obstacle course, doing their gravity-defying flips.

The mother of Hannah Kearney, the American who won gold in Women's Mogul, said her daughter has always been very deliberate and self-motivated. She lined up her toys before she could talk, in perfect order. When the girl was 17, she invested her prize money in an IRA account. Her brother plays hockey for YALE. Talk about a breed of exceptional people.

It's just that I think of this little mango of a person as the infant it will be--my baby. But they grow up to be their own people, and will that person have any connection to the person I am and accomplishments I have? When I think about it, I want so much more for the kid than myself. Brandon said that kids are defined by their parents' limitations--at least, that he has found that true in his own life. And kids, when they get to be a certain age, are so acute at picking up their parents' weaknesses. So, human though we are, how can we give the best to our kid, and give him/her the chance to be the great at something if he/she has the talent? And will I be willing to invest in the kid's interest even if it has never interested me before in my life? I think back to Hannah in the Bible, who offered her son to serve the Lord. God who knits the tiny life knows better what will fulfill him and give his life purpose. So I want to be conscious of my stewardship as a parent--to be the most loving training wheels.

We celebrated Valentine's Day and looked through our wedding/anniversary scrapbook. We have a good marriage. That's one gift we can give our child: the security of its parents' love for each other.

It's Official

At 33 and 27, Brandon and I (respectively) will be first-time parents. We waited to tell most people till we were 12 weeks along, though I was bursting at the seams to share the news. Some responses included:

"I'm so happy," said a wet-eyed Kathy.
"You could have fooled me!" exclaimed Mom, who answers my weekly baby questions with great patience.
"(Congratulations in Shona!)" Cindy and Declan
"I'm going to be an aunt again!" Stephanie, who quickly posted this to Facebook...
"Yep. You got knocked up. That's a kid alright!" Sydney
"Congrats! You guys will be great parents!" Anna
"I won't lie, I'm a little freaked out, but I'm excited for you!" Joanna
"What's in the water?" My principal, who added my to the list of 4 other teachers who are pregnant right now.

We have what seems like a billion logistics to figure out--how much time off work, and how to pay for it? The baby will need insurance, and eventually daycare...Good parenting strategies? When/where/how to afford Brandon's PhD? Which car seat is best? Birthing plan? A layette?

It's good to have questions, though, because it helps to pass the time. I'd rather have time to answer these questions than find out one week I'm pregnant and then just, splat, deliver the next week.

I've found three great resources so far:

1. What to Expect When You're Expecting
2. On Becoming Baby Wise
3. Baby Bargains

These books have suddenly become as engrossing as East of Eden. What to Expect, because it discusses the child's monthly development. Baby Wise, because it offers a plan for a feeding/waketime/napping routine that promises to have baby sleeping through the night by 12 weeks. A quote from Baby Wise: "Their babies truly exude happiness. They are well rested, secure in their parents' love." Finally, Baby Bargains, which breaks down the overwhelming market of baby products into necessary and ridiculous, and rates the best products.

So, here are some of the big products that look safe and affordable:

• Chicco Cortina Travel System: $300--infant carseat and stroller. Stroller is rated better than Gracco's stroller. Purchase a second base for Brandon's car.
• FischerPrice Zen High Chair: wood hybrid chair with muted green/brown palette and excellent features. $150
• Lands End Do-It-All Diaper Bag: practical and even Brandon could carry it.
• Baby Gap Organic Sheets: good price, simple

Of course, we're nowhere near shopping yet. I'm barely showing--just a bump that makes my jeans tight. I just want to know what to look for.

Blessings

1. May you be born strong and healthy.
2. May you be a friend of God.
3. May you have a great sense of humor.
4. May your relationships be deep and happy.
5. May you always have enough.
6. May the world be better because you exist.
7. May you be courageous and seize life's adventures.
8. May you love and be loved.
9. May you live in purpose and fulfillment.
10. May you be a good steward of your gifts.